A New Curve

Biology - that's all it ever is. Period - that's all everything means. Is that the great fulfillment everyone is yacking about? Haazar stared up at the ceiling. Is this the great adventure of my life? She wondered - to get bigger breasts, reproduce and then, what? She screamed inside herself. What!

She hid her secret well, very well. No one suspected a thing. She was all that different, very different but no one could see anything - they only saw a fourteen year old girl - a small-for-her-age youngish woman - a light-weight, brown-haired, hazel-eyed stalk of gangly arms and legs.

Even as she lay there her future according to her biological instincts was being planned for her. Her parents were discussing a suitable partner for her - a good man of social acceptability that she would marry and then conceive several sons with if all went well. Then what? Then what? She screamed inside her mind.

The choices were narrowing down to two suitable suitors. A young man, the dark-haired but strangely blue-eyed Tico - he had grown up two houses down from her parents' place. He was studying medicine at the university - a sober, humorless young man. The other choice was a man she had never seen or met. She had heard her parents talking - this man was older - in his early thirties. He was from across the state. He was offering a large dowry for her. Her parents were sorely tempted by his generous offering as the sizeable sum would secure them well for several years. But they were concerned for their daughter - she was the youngest - then there were the auspicious signs at her birth - an earthquake, a fire, and a downpour of rain all occurred within the first day of her life. These signs foretold a disturbing destiny - signs that were read with such polarizing diversity that her parents had given up determining the significance and possible destiny of their youngest daughter. All appeared normal anyways. Haazar was a bright, obedient child - and she was coming into her womanly body - attractive in an unassuming way. She was bright, easily adapting to any task.

Sometimes they felt a distance, or disinterest in her of what usually occupies the mind of a young woman, but she was always obedient and quite efficient at any work. They had been up late for several nights discussing the merits of each suitor. Tico was the lead choice as their daughter would remain close and they could remain a part of her life with all the grandchildren she would have with her husband Tico. The other suitor, except for the size of his purse - they had trouble discerning his family background. It was rumored that he was from mixed blood and that concerned them, that their grandchildren could be from other than the the best blue line of blood ancestry. They had met Deer Roga once and found him to be charming and very handsome. He was a tall man with good humor and he had put them at their ease with some peculiarly funny stories about the leader of their country. They were not sure what his profession was - he seemed to have extensive knowledge about the political runnings and policy of the country and thought him to be well connected in the upper stratum of society. If only they could find out more about his family.

Haazar knew the time was getting close - they would make a choice, a marriage for her soon. She didn't want to be married - no one had asked her what she wanted. She wouldn't have told them anyways. Perhaps if they had asked she would have just said, "I don't want anything," and they would have interpreted her desireless state as an acceptance of their wise choice for her. She did want. It wasn't for a someone, or a something to do - rather it felt to have nothing to do with the biology of her body. All her friends gossiped about boys, marriage, and children. They wanted to fulfill the destiny of their bodies' longing. She did not feel that way. She could confide in no one that society's orderly plan of survival and reproduction actually disgusted her. When her parents informed her of the sexual act of reproduction - she was horrified that anyone would want to do that. They smiled and assured her that when her body matured she should feel differently and actually look forward to that kind of physical union with a man. She saw some of her classmates begin this attraction. It only made her feel more disgusted.

And now, oh no, this would be soon her destiny - to lay with a man and have children. No, no, this is not what I want. Haazar lay under the sheets angry with her body - it would dictate the entire content of her life. Is there only this reproduction business for me? As much as it was explained to her that she would find happiness and her fulfillment in the completion of her biology, she couldn't accept this as truth. She puzzled over and over in her heart - how can this reproduction business be happiness? Everything in nature reproduces, declines and dies. How can happiness be solely lived in this process? How can biology be made into happiness? Biology only dies - how can one be happy with something that will only reproduce and die? No, no, she cried into her pillow. That will not be my fate. I won't be married. I won't. She fell asleep amidst her tears.

Her fate was sealed. Her destiny would be played out. Her parents sealed the envelope that accepted Deer Roga as their son-in-law.

Sharon turned left onto Stoneridge. While waiting for the light to change to green She gazed at the familiar scene, a scene of malls - well known shopping fixtures settled, planned to co-exist to support and enhance life in the valley. The mountains looming above the usually smoggy, congested flatlands were visible today. It was the fall in the southland and the time when nature finished its cycle of bounty and moved into the decline of winter. She wondered why when nature was moving into a rest, people became more active and serious with their need to get serious, buckled down to the hard work of their ambitions. Now that the youngest child had been moved out, settled into her own life, the fall quiet reminded Sharon of her own opportunity to seek the discipline of her own ambition. Except for a few very minimal duties of being a wife, her life was freed for any pursuit that might give her pride and pleasure, recognition in accomplishment. While her daughter was in college she had given a lot of her time to charitable work. Being a woman of wealth and position in society she was often asked to contribute to worthwhile causes. Being a good mother, she had extended her need to give love to causes that protected and supported children. When her daughter graduated from college and immediately married her fiance that summer, Sharon lost interest in mothering and her work for charitable causes abruptly ended.