I Can't Come Near

I CAN'T COME NEAR

I remember those sad eyes of yours
that begged for recognition
"Please see past my bodily fears
Please don't believe me when I say
I CAN'T COME NEAR..."

I remember your hesitation doubt and disbelief
wanting it but not believing it can really be real
I'll settle for what is familiar
He will give me his protection.....
protect me from this harsh world
and I will protect him from the true effects
of his frantic animal desires
played in games of power
this was the vow of marriage
though we thought it was love at the time.

The years have past but still I can't forget
the free gifts that you have given to me
though I did not accept them at the time
nor did I understand what they were
I only know that this attraction does not leave me
and that I have settled for far less than I have dreamed
of.

You talk to me as if you are myself
How can you see me?
When I am so hidden from my own view?

I wonder what you are seeing today; feeling today?
Is it wonderful?
I can't indulge in such fantasies
it causes a yearning to rise up in my heart
that shakes the foundations of my comfortable
contented with so little life.

You seem like a dream to me now
like a cherished photograph resting, displayed only in the bottom
of my drawer
a secret...an affair that arose my desire for a greater
lover
I hide it from those that would be jealous
and consider me abnormal for having desired one like you.

Yes, I am still afraid of how you attracted me.
Your words were so challenging and your eyes so playful
BUT
AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU DO THIS...
even now your arms surround me, protect me, caress me,
You laugh at all my hesitations and fears....
all the while I am saying, "I CAN'T COME NEAR."

August 22, 1991