I am a ruined woman

I am a ruined woman.
With nothing strapped to my back
I hike the deserts of ever moving desire.
Looking to be desired I
find everyone occupied with fascinations of purpose.
I cannot find a dam thing to do here.
Though never busy, I am asked to even give up my need to be
desired. I must live without hope and yet always offer a smile
and feel gratitude for my ruin.
I am ruined, without a mission.
I can give you no hope of your own personal victory, no place of
utopia, no new evolution of mankind.
I swim the seas of feeling
Drowning from no recognition that I am your loved one .
I am flying the skies without a parachute.
Having taken no precautions, I am falling hard.
I am ruined, hitting hard the ground of cold logic again and
again.
I lay in bed listening to you breathe
In and out , shallow and deep
You alive in another world of great purpose and asleep to where
I lay I
want to laugh and cry because I am not noticed.
The breath of my in and out sings to me: “you are alone in your
ruin, alone, you lay, fly, and stand true as this ruin”.
I was once a woman devoted to a god.
Now I wander in these ruins. These
ruins, my dear ruins; these ruins can hold no wall of teaching, no
wall of purpose, no mission of service to a god I love.

I was given everything, only to understand that I know nothing,
that I have nothing you want or need.
I am a ruined woman
Waiting to be desired.
Living in gratitude, without hope.
I am happy to love you.